Do You Struggle With Judgement
I sit down and start typing.
Then I delete it all.
Why?
I am stopped by fear of being judged.
This is something that I have always struggled with. When I see groups of people talking, I think they must be talking poorly about me. When someone looks away the moment I make eye contact, what did I do wrong?. When I am working out, well let's be honest I only do that in the privacy of my own house. When no one comments on my outfit I must look horrible. No comments on my posts, well that must have sucked.
I have always depended on the praise of others to feel good about myself and to be important. I take criticism very personal and have lost many a friendship over it.
I have had more than one coach ask me what makes me so important that everyone is focused on me.
WOW.
I never looked at it that way. I try and remind myself about that and for the most part it works.
I judge myself the hardest and the worst part about that is that I am judging others in doing that.
If I could only run like so and so.
Blank is such an amazing mom.
The married couple has a stronger relationship than us.
If I looked like X I would be happy.
Y is a way better rider than.
I could never do my makeup like Z.
I am so bad with money I will never travel like the Y's.
If I made more money that person would still be my friend.
If I change this or that about me, they will want to spend time with me.
I need a house like them.
I cry as I type this as I can remember several times I have thought these things on more than one occasion. It breaks my heart that I have put that judgement on people who are important to me.
I don't know what their life looks like beside what they show me. I don't know the hours, maybe even the hours that they have put in to be where they are now.
Over the last couple of weeks I have been digging deep to find the things that are truly important to me and what makes me feel great about myself.
I have been making a big attempt to only surround myself with people who bring me joy and who I don't feel judged by. Which in turns means I am working lots on not judging others.
When a person judges you it is a reflection of them. That means by me judging my friends and family I am truly just judging myself more and more, harder and harder.
In an effort to stop judging myself and those around me I am going to rewrite the statements from above in a more positive way.
Each time I run I get better.
I am the best mom for my children.
The strength of my marriage grows every day.
I am improving my health and fitness everyday so that I can be happy with my appearance.
The more I ride the better I will be.
I can kill a basic makeup look.
I have made mistakes with my money and I am taking the steps to repair my financial health.
My friends love me for who I am.
I am just as God intended me to be.
I dreamed of this home for many years and it is everything that my family and I want.
So the next time someone is judging you, telling you how you need to live your life, where you should be in your goals please try and remember that it is a reflection of them not you. Right along with that is when you find yourself judging someone remember that is a reflection of yourself. Take that moment to be honest with yourself, maybe you give yourself some grace, maybe you get your sweat on, maybe you say an apology.
Leeanne